How to Win the 2017 Elections

Form Your Own Electoral Commission
An electoral body, independent or not, is the only institution that can declare you a winner. Why don't you have one? Please do. Form an IEBC-sort of commission. Call it 'My Own Electoral Commission of Kenya'. Employ like five commissioners. Establish polling stations. Employ returning officers, presiding officers. Get your own voters.
Let 'My Own Electoral Commission' declare you President, MP or Senator of the people. Live in your own dreamland. Live in fantasy.


Own an Opinion Pollster
For some reason many people believe in polls.
So make sure you own one. Then force them to conduct weekly surveys. Ensure that you only sample your supporters.
Feed Kenyans with your skewed polls until they believe that you are the most popular.

Buy Hundreds of Lorries to Ferry Supporters
These are for ferrying each and every supporter to each and every rally you organise.
Buy as many as you can.
Fuel as much as you can.
For some reason, Kenyans are so fascinated by crowds that they are so foolish they believe numbers equal votes.
*By the way, why are some of you so cheap? How can you let yourself get so demeaned by politicians? If you wish to be ferried why don't you demand to be transported by a bus? A lorry? Like seriously. Even G4S dogs are ferried in better vehicles.

Own a Media House
Ooh! Without a national platform to sell your cheap ideas you are as good as done.
Get a media house for propaganda. To discredit your opponents. To malign institutions, including IEBC. To infect people with Stockholm Syndrome.
To hold people hostage.
To declare your results.

Social Media Defence Forces (SMDF)
There is new war-front you cannot afford to ignore. It's called Social Media. This is not Hürtgen Forest of the World War 2. This is a new one.
Get your poorly-educated sycophants to be in this Force.
SMDF will defend you to the last tear drop. They will do everything you ask of them. They will abuse. They will accuse. They will misuse. The social media just for you.

Barking Dogs
Wu wu wu wu! In press conferences, social media, TV and radio shows.
They will also be sniffing for those who attack you in newspapers and other platforms.

Screenshots Army
You got to have this for sure. After sniffing dogs, someone got to take a photo or two for future reference.
They will be screen-shooting on WhatsApp, Facebook and Twitter.

Own a Judiciary
Finally, don’t forget this. Get you own judges just in case there will be some petition by some misguided fellow who wants to challenge your election.

Why My Life Is Also In Danger

Just sat quietly in the matatu. Chatting with one or two friends on the phone about life, weather, food and maybe job. But you just sat there next to me eyes wide open and reading each and every word I type.
Why don't you just let my life flow? Why are you so much into making my matatu life so tough? I'm a little scared. My chatting life is in danger. But it doesn’t harm giving you the Snooping Award of the Year.

So I gave you Sh200 to find something to eat when you were last starving and dreaming about water. You promised to pay back at the end of the month. It's been eight months now and you have never bothered to pay back.
The way you look at me every time I approach you, either to greet you or to ask for the money, makes me feel like an endangered species.

My pocket may not be in the dry category but why do you want to put it in danger of wobbling towards there?
It's just friendship. Maybe a little love. Maybe a little lust (though this is sinful) but you don't think so. It is like I'm your Central Bank; the maker of your money, the buyer of everything but not the owner of your heart.
My pocket is surely in danger of emaciation.

Social media are good platforms for all of us to share what we are eating, where we are visiting, where our hearts are anchored in and of course who broke it. Okey, but why are you stuffing us with such stuff? Why are you putting our lives in danger of suffocation?
Just tell us a little. Don't tell us everything.

I'm safe.