Now the world, mostly United States, is getting frequent and well-timed slaps on the face from one Julian Assange, it’s time someone thought of a Kenyan version.
Assange has lately been precisely firing the forehead of the world’s super power with his super dossier, Wiki-leaks and his revelations are, each day, becoming a force to reckon with and furthermore wantonly destroying US’s mighty reputation, or so it’s thought.
Julian A. and his Wiki-leaks dossiers are a perfect duo calling Super Powers to order.
So what would a ‘Kenyaleaks’ dossier contain? And how will it be executed?
Horrific.The first question though. On the word go Kenya has not been to any external war so the mighty document will certainly not have such revelations bordering slavery, doggie-stuff, excite-American torture and any other Bushy business. Now let’s think of what else it will contain.
Firstly, it will harbour politicians’ sexual secrets. It should not miss these, not at all. From their Koinange escapades to their multiple concubines hidden in sprawling slums, then to their rumoured guttural intimacy inside their official prados- here, the rumours will possibly be confirmed rather than dismissed. In order to make it more interesting, politicians’ spouses will let out their anger at being left sexually dissatisfied at home. The first wife of a twelve-wives, talkative, and vocal local noisemaker, sorry, lawmaker, will probably say “the last time was five years ago.” Another dared husband to a perceived stern and successful feminist-turn-politician will cry loudly that he “doesn’t know her privately, rather, how her section meant for intimate FCA* looks.”
Political deals won’t make any news. Why, you may ask. Nothing new here, Kenyan politicians are known to willingly cut deals with everyone, from their barbers, gobblers (on their inability to pay for their services until the next salary increase), house-helps, secretaries (about their philandering secrets) and of course mistresses (reason known to all). So if the dossier carries anything about underground political deals, it will be as useless as the information in it. Another hot one would undoubtedly be on politician’s big holes in their pockets, their believable empty accounts, and ubiquitous parlio-bankruptcy. An Mp, wearing only one-slanted-heel shoes, faded torn-collar, many-buttons-missing shirt, overstretched holed socks and begging for a pinch of chapati in the corridors of parliament will not be missing in the dossier. He will be reported and captured on camera saying: “Please nisaidie na kapinch of hilo ndazi, bwana nakufa na njaa. Salary yangu ni shillingi hamsini na sumuni.” Then the other one swears before giving him a two-hundredth of a ndazi and a gulp of tea.
Nepotism in government departments will not make it. Maybe its mutants like an ethnic dialect being the official language in the institutions. For example, if a Taita heads an institution, then Taita, the document will reveal, is internally coded as the language of use. Why? The dossiers will indicate that everyone from top to bottom, except the tea-guy and toilet cleaners, is a Taita. You know, toilet-cleaners, and tea-makers don’t necessarily need any communication or any memo, so they would not affect the language of use.
The rot in Kenya’s courts, information on defilement of justice by lawyers and a craving for euthanasia by doctors, teachers spelling a would have been a bright, future bleak for pupils, engineers turning into grease not for tar but to oil corruption will not be in the first edition. It will make the main story of the next edition.
Just by the way....
*So Mike Sonko could not raise cash to bail him out from jail. Kind of unbelievable! Sh1.5million? That should be bread money for him. But he could not get it. Poor him. He should henceforth return the name Sonko to its owners and let his poverty secretly cool down in Buru.
*FCA (Family-curricular activity).
