Kenyaleaks, and Probably its Most Definite Horror

Now the world, mostly United States, is getting frequent and well-timed slaps on the face from one Julian Assange, it’s time someone thought of a Kenyan version.

Assange has lately been precisely firing the forehead of the world’s super power with his super dossier, Wiki-leaks and his revelations are, each day, becoming a force to reckon with and furthermore wantonly destroying US’s mighty reputation, or so it’s thought.

Julian A. and his Wiki-leaks dossiers are a perfect duo calling Super Powers to order. 

So what would a ‘Kenyaleaks’ dossier contain? And how will it be executed? 

Horrific.The first question though. On the word go Kenya has not been to any external war so the mighty document will certainly not have such revelations bordering slavery, doggie-stuff, excite-American torture and any other Bushy business. Now let’s think of what else it will contain.

Firstly, it will harbour politicians’ sexual secrets. It should not miss these, not at all.  From their Koinange escapades to their multiple concubines hidden in sprawling slums, then to their rumoured guttural intimacy inside their official prados- here, the rumours will possibly be confirmed rather than dismissed. In order to make it more interesting, politicians’ spouses will let out their anger at being left sexually dissatisfied at home. The first wife of a twelve-wives, talkative, and vocal local noisemaker, sorry, lawmaker, will probably say “the last time was five years ago.” Another dared husband to a perceived stern and successful feminist-turn-politician will cry loudly that he “doesn’t know her privately, rather, how her section meant for intimate FCA* looks.”

Political deals won’t make any news. Why, you may ask. Nothing new here, Kenyan politicians are known to willingly cut deals with everyone, from their barbers, gobblers (on their inability to pay for their services until the next salary increase), house-helps, secretaries (about their philandering secrets) and of course mistresses (reason known to all). So if the dossier carries anything about underground political deals, it will be as useless as the information in it. Another hot one would undoubtedly be on politician’s big holes in their pockets, their believable empty accounts, and ubiquitous parlio-bankruptcy.  An Mp, wearing only one-slanted-heel shoes, faded torn-collar, many-buttons-missing shirt, overstretched holed socks and begging for a pinch of chapati in the corridors of parliament will not be missing in the dossier. He will be reported and captured on camera saying: “Please nisaidie na kapinch of hilo ndazi, bwana nakufa na njaa. Salary yangu ni shillingi hamsini  na sumuni.”  Then the other one swears before giving him a two-hundredth of a ndazi and a gulp of tea.

Nepotism in government departments will not make it. Maybe its mutants like an ethnic dialect being the official language in the institutions. For example, if a Taita heads an institution, then Taita, the document will reveal, is internally coded as the language of use. Why? The dossiers will indicate that everyone from top to bottom, except the tea-guy and toilet cleaners, is a Taita. You know, toilet-cleaners, and tea-makers don’t necessarily need any communication or any memo, so they would not affect the language of use.

The rot in Kenya’s courts, information on defilement of justice by lawyers and a craving for euthanasia by doctors, teachers spelling a would have been a bright, future bleak for pupils, engineers turning into grease not for tar but to oil corruption will not be in the first edition. It will make the main story of the next edition. 

Just by the way....

*So Mike Sonko could not raise cash to bail him out from jail. Kind of unbelievable! Sh1.5million? That should be bread money for him.  But he could not get it. Poor him. He should henceforth return the name Sonko to its owners and let his poverty secretly cool down in Buru. 

*FCA (Family-curricular activity).

Kenya Politicians? No, Never Our Heroes

Thank God none of our politicians will ever stand in front of the world and be declared a hero/heroine.

Kenyans should be grateful for that. They ought to be, forever, until the day when the world’s standards drop to the level that one of them will be able to buy it. Don’t worry. They will not buy it soon.

Evans Wadongo, our NEW HERO, did Kenya a great deal of pride by deservedly appearing among the top ten CNN heroes of 2010. Though he did not win, he sent a strong message to the whole world that Africa, and indeed Africans, is capable to come up with breathtaking innovations.

Wangari Maathai tasted fame for her environment-related activism but descended into obscurity after picking politics on her way to activism retirement. It was not only a wrong choice but an unattractive pick which also made her heroism (can we use heroinesm here?) fade quickly from Kenyan’s minds.

The politician Wangari Maathai won the Nobel Peace Prize? Someone may ask. Yea, she did, and she deserves a standing ovation for pocketing sh80millon or so. But before the bits of saliva pass the esophagus in agreement, Maathai, with due respect for her beneficial activism, was awarded the prize for her, I guess solely, out-of-political-scene endeavours. You know, nobody is ever rewarded for politicking, maybe President Obama for instilling hope in hopeless souls, but never to common mortals.

You’re lying, whispers a Burmese from Aung San Suu Kyi party. Not really. She won. But after that? She has been incarcerated and guillotined by politicians like nobody’s business. This year’s Chinese Prize Winner, Liu Xiaobo, is swallowing half-fried beans in some jail after trying to oppose politicians.

Ooh, sorry for drifting away from the real thing. Don’t worry though the examples are kind of related. Back on point though. And Mike Sonko, Kamlesh Patni, former President Moi, Nicholas Biwott, Jaramogi Oginga Odinga, Kalonzo Musyoka, Raila Odinga, William Ruto, Martha Karua, Charity Ngilu plus…name them in alphabetical order and you realise they are all heroism-rejects- Fact. Unless the word Hero is redefined, heroism and Kenyan politicians will forever be enemies.

Don’t ask me why some more than angelic faces mentioned above should not qualify for heroism. Kalonzo you may argue and Raila, another may quip, yet someone may point out Ruto or Moi. Good. But do they qualify. Not they don’t, at all. Indecisiveness ought to be one of the parameters which plays a big part in choosing heroes and Kalonzo is out. You know it, Yes or No? Raila is a bad king of some community based in the western parts of Kenya. Anyone in Kisumu? Ruto has another home at The Hague. Karua qualifies 45%. Why? 2007 post-election heart-hardness takes the other percentage points.

Nobody among our politicians qualify here. Only simple Kenyans like Evans Wadongo, who mind about other Kenyans, are real heroes. 

Just by the way...

*A standing ovation and a salute for Evans Wadongo is in order and a thumps down for those bickering politicians who cannot agree on anything, shame on them.

Ranneberger/Prince William Visits Give Kenya Different Tastes

Kenya is ever on top of destinations for bored Britons and other idle foreigners. Recently, there has been an increase of these visitors, most coming with good messages but others, especially those who have stayed for a quite a long-time, often release unfriendly communiqués.


Good news first.
It’s heartening to hear news of some ‘lost’ Prince proposing to his girlfriend on Kenyan soil. It’s quite an adorable imagination when one seriously sits down and meditates on it. You know the guy saw it fit to bring his jewel to far-away land, the fast disappearing jungle where his forefathers pitched tent for ages as they messed locals with their civilisation mantras, than kneel before her in some backstreet dungeon next to Trafalgar Square in London, or some forgotten Park in Edinburgh. When you cool your mind with such a thought you will realise how important Kenya is.

Prince William did Kenya free advertisement and soon this country will be the perfect destination to propose and expect positive response-I guess it will make a holier place to do, especially when in Masai Mara where monkeys, giraffes, leopards and wilder beasts, would probably cheer and seek instant reproduction too, as the foreigner dunk the ring into the desperate finger- than an evil-infested beach in Rio de Janeiro. Mombasa has good beaches for such endeavours but when, let’s say its drug pests and peddlers are wiped out. If not then, Prince William’s people would have to make do with smoky engagements whenever they think of doing it in Mombasa.

Talking of Mombasa and drugs and another long-time visitor who was there recently seems to have lost track on his right mission in this country. The ever-talking, multiple-king of Kalenjin, Luhya, Giriama, and others, the foe to all politicians, the Attorney General, and every other top government politician salivating for United States, gave orders (don’t know from above or wherever) to some fledgling Kenyan commissions. Michael Ranneberger. It’s him. Don’t ask who else it could be because there is none.

The Kenyan politicians’ enemy, “called on” or rather ordered: “the Interim Independent Electoral Commission and the yet to be formed Independent Boundaries and Electoral Commission to make it a requirement that all candidates seeking elective positions publicly disclose the source of their campaign money”- The East African.

Yeap, the American was issuing orders to Kenyans in Kenya, not on behalf of President Kibaki- I wonder if he knows that Kenya is a sovereign state with its own elected president because he handles his ego like Obama’s emissary in Illinois or Nevada- but on behalf of himself. The outspoken man declared he was denying visas some drug peddlers who had reaped more than enough from the trade.

The outspoken man, who once rattled former Foreign Affairs minister, Moses Wetangula, is more forgetful about his or perceived role than remembering his rightful business. The mundu, Wetangula, applying Wanga’s wisdom, threatened to declare him persona-non-grata (an unwanted person). Though the mundu khumundu warning did not bring forth many fruits, the threatened American retreated a bit. However, he’s now back breathing fire and brimstone. Of course he should, now panya ameondoka (the cat is away).

Even with this freedom, Ranneberger is overdoing it. Why and how can a visiting envoy give orders to Kenyans? It’s not possible, at all. Not when his Kenyan counterpart in Washington DC is forcefully lame when it comes to such or related activities. So when Mr. MR is all over Kenya issuing decrees, he should be begged to cool down and requested to ask his brothers to come and get engaged on Kenyan soil like Prince William.

Just by the way...

*Done with training now. Back to job. By the way you can follow me on twitter: info_enjector is the name.

William Ruto Redefines Human Rights Commission

Kenya National Commission on Human Rights is now Kenya International Collusion of Backbiters, Rumourmongers, Busybodies and cousins, according to Ruto (William) 101. 

The former powerful minister in the government which hired the ‘horde of colluders’, redefined the Commission, formerly assigned the noble duty of checking rights of human beings only, “to truly reflect who the commissioners steering it are”. This was in line with the latest mission of the Higher Education ministry, he drove few weeks ago before he received the boot, to give new impetus to such toothless organisations.

However before Ruto’s dust settled there was a call to ‘put records straight’. In a quick rejoinder the Chair of the faint, and often vague Commission, confirmed the new position it was officially acquiring though past in-fights within it had, albeit translucently, proposed so. 

At a press conference billed one of its own but finally milled by top employees of the commission  bearing name tags with the above mentioned nouns, Florence Jaoko thanked Ruto for revealing so and asked him to continue doing the good job. That’s what Ms Jaoko, the female warrior who recently weathered a huge storm seeking to tsunami her out of office, was telling Kenyans when she resorted to take Ruto’s claims head on.  She just confirmed what Ruto was unearthing about the organ of government in relation to their inability to make themselves believable.

When a politician throws a spear at you, the second thing to do after you have dived away to escape the poisonous weapon is to check, evaluate, prepare and then respond. You don’t throw back the spear without taking time to examine the venom it carries. The woman, Jaoko, did not apply these basic rules, not for this scenario. Instead she led a battalion of head-shakers, nod-in-agreement-masters to ‘fight’ Ruto few hours, (or were they countable minutes), after the latter breathed out balls of fires burning at thousands of Celsius targeted at them.

Ruto jolted by a heroic reception  had, when he arrived from The Hague, downloaded in quick succession venomous revelations vilifying KNCHR and one of its outspoken commissioners. He stated that there was not a vestige of truth in a report prepared by the commission of colluders about him and others suspected to be behind the 2007 post-election chasing, hacking, burning, and blood draining ignobility. He was not playing poker but making something relevant, though many saw it as ultimate efforts by a panicky villain trying to clutch the only remaining upright grass to rescue him, or better still crumble with him, as he freely skates down to eulogy.

    

Jaoko and her brothers responded like the ancient foolish woman, who after her colleagues leaves her in the jungle she loudly shouts for help without first thinking of who, apart from them, could hear her cries. Guess who arrives first. The Ogre; the man-enemy of the jungle. He takes her as his life-long wife. That’s what Jaoko has done too. Instead of first surveying the forest infested by the Kenyan politicians created idiosyncratically but act unanimously, she loudly fights back, a move that will (it has already) endear her and the commission to more enemies. Now two provinces, Rift Valley and Central, are baying for her blood.

 The two ogres are defending their territories and ‘kings’ with gusto likely to scare Jaoko and lieutenants to death.

The bespectacled lady , many would consider soft-spoken and shy, but as her former Vice, Hassan Omar Hassan would attest she hides her real stubborn and Nyeri-woman attitude behind her spectacles , said there was not a speck of sense in Ruto’s assertions. She did not mince her words in saying only Jacob ‘Ghost’ Mulee, the Harambee Stars coach,  possessed good coaching skills and that Ghost was never employed by them.

In this spirited episode of Kenyans Going to the Hague Movie, scenes are changing every now and then. Who will win this latest contest? Is it the rotund, fearless King of Rift Valley or the toothless, less barking, and shadowy commission? Luis Moreno-Ocampo certainly should find it difficult to declare the winner here.

Just by the way...

*If Omar Hassan is not guilty why doesn’t he take legal action against William Ruto. The latter’s claims are defamatory enough to guarantee him a strong case and financial compensation more than the current cost of a 5,000-acre plot of land in Nairobi.  Unless he knows something not in public domain, he should not continue engaging in media fights with the former minister.

*And who the heck are these coached witnesses? By the way, I have damaging information about my close buddy and colleague Aggrey Mutambo concerning his one or two secrets. Omar Hassan, how much I’m I entitled monthly and where will I stay to keep my mind sober, cool-headed and ready to destroy him when you need me and my dossier?

*Thanks again for finding time to read this blog.  

President Barrack Obama Walking On a Tight Rope

And only God knows if he will be able to safely wade to the other side. Many predict he will sink into the deep valley before he makes the tenth stride-on this you can hear some republicans engage in guarded celebrations. Indeed others have already started preparing a casket for the president and other now ‘hated’ democrats.

Obama came into office riding on an exaggerated but promising message that he as the worldly ‘Messiah’ that Americans had been waiting for long would deliver them from all the evils bedeviling them. It has not happened. And most Americans have bitterly realised that their talisman was human after all.

One problem with a mortal being trying to emulate Jesus Christ is the inability to deliver. However eloquent, good-looking, hopeful, and suave a man is, he won’t be able to rid fellow beings of uncountable sins and, often unachievable desires. The best he can do is serve those under him with well spiced disillusionment and cap it with dissatisfaction as a dessert, and cynicism as a drink.  After the three-piece meal, he takes them for a walk on the sides of a deep dark valley that’s home to all sorts of despair and hatred.

That’s what has happened to His Excellency, just giving him a taste of it otherwise it’s sinful in this country to worship presidents, Barrack Obama. He is in a very difficult situation. None, not even his Nobel Prize sympathizers, can help. In less than two years, his YES WE CAN slogan which was laced with hope, excitement and unparallel dreams has camouflaged into a resounding NO WE DON’T WANT YOU chorus coated with hatred, disgust and extreme disbelief on the black man’s policies.

Obama has tried. He has delivered some frameworks Americans will remember him for. The Health Care law, he assented to with joyous aura few months after he took office among others, though have been progressive, have endeared him to antagonists who see him as being a socialist targeting the slave-minded elites and letting go the over-exploited poor.

The Republicans, their dislike for Obama could be felt in their sweaty noses, and hoarse voices, just like ‘You Lie’ outburst by Congressman Joe Wilson last September murmuring loudly all over, are capitalising on every ‘slip’ and unfulfilled promises by Obama and his democrats lieutenants.

These members, from the Grand Old Party (GOP), best described since Obama took office early 2009 as busybodies out to malign every other move initiated by the man almost qualified as the long-awaited Anti-Christ by some Christians, have been after the very neck of the head of state. They have succeeded to a greater extent and Obama is facing a litany of inadequacies pointed out by the very vibrant Tea Party movement steered by Sarah Palin.

Democrats, on the other hand, have not had the guts to speak out. The strong cornerstones of the ordinarily assumed blue party have not been any helpful. From the powerful State Secretary Hillary Clinton, Senator John Kerry, and others who would have had an easily believable say in the US, have relegated themselves to the very silent of the caves and let Obama fight it out alone. They have been annoyingly aloof, an indication that they may  have been afraid of losing ground if they came out fully in support of Obama.

The mid-term elections are a huge challenge to the Obama administration. And as things appear he could be headed out of office in two years before he could fully enjoy the sweetness of the White House, master the Capitol Hill or even cram the secret code to the nuclear armoury.

It’s now almost coming to an abrupt sunset for President Obama.

Just by the way…

*Are President Obama’s woes related to his skin colour? And if so can now the tag World’s ‘Super Power’ tag after the United States be chopped off and fixed on China? I guess it’s only fair because communism is way better than racism. Letting the Americans, who have failed to tame their racist egos, pride further in this tag is gross and repugnant. It’s better if China had it. Don’t you think so?