Your Politicians Didn’t Know What Kenya7s Won in Singapore. Here’s What They Know:

Last weekend, Kenya won the first Main Cup in the Rugby Sevens’ series and our politicians won the Most Ignorant Cup for not knowing what we won.

Forgive them.

Here’s what they know most:

Their Political Gods

Ask them the name of their political supremos and they will give you not one, two or three names but maybe ten including their primary, secondary, university and Bunge nicknames. They will even be generous to tell you their sons’, daughters’ and wives’ nicknames too.

They will go ahead to tell you what their political gods take for breakfast, lunch and dinner. What size of shoe they wear and what suit they prefer. 

Weekend Funerals

How will they not know where they will be over the weekend?

Try to look for any politician on Saturday or Sunday and you will probably find them attending some funeral back in the village.

On weekdays they are busy checking and asking around for some funeral to attend.

They are not the most condoling but these present them a perfect opportunity to hit at the rivals, chest-thump and drop crocodile tears on the graves.

Countdown to 2017 General Election

Other sport lovers may have forgotten that there are coming national elections next year but our politicians, the wannabe sports lovers, know not only the date, but also the hours, minutes and seconds remaining to the polls.

If you want to confirm this, trying shifting that date and hell will break loose. 

IEBC

Just as they know when the elections would be held, they know, in and out, who will be conducting the elections.

Some know IEBC as a bosom friend while others know it as a sworn enemy.

Still, others know each and every name of the commissioners, others don’t want to hear anything about them. 

CDF

How will they not know this?

This is the spinal cord of each of our MPs. They know the amount allocated them each and every year.

The High Court touched it last year and labelled it ‘unconstitutional’ and hell broke loose. The Judiciary was denied funds like never before in the following budget.

They have since forcefully mutated the funds to align it with the Constitution.

Hate speech

Not its meaning but how to spew it in public rallies, funerals and public barazas.

They know how to manoeuvre around the law as they call each other names, abuse rival communities and lampoon opponents. 

The Media

They know each and every media house which is sympathetic, against and friendly to them.

Five Things to Hijack for a Woman

Some lonely Egyptian decided that hijacking a plane would make that woman listen to him.

If that‘s what love is all about, then good for him. Hijack planes. Express love. Get locked. That woman gets another man. Life moves on. You rot in jail. 

Simple.    

       

But why would you target flying objects to tell on your burning love when there are simpler things you can do. 

Here are they:

First, hijack the kitchen.

Take over that hot, smoky place. Cook something in the morning, afternoon and in the evening. Banish her from it and make yourself comfortable. Tell her to stick to the dining table so she doesn’t see your terrible culinary skills. Warn her that any slight movement towards the kitchen would make you set off the bomb of spoons, forks and plates. 

 Hijack her laundry

Just go mad and get those dirty clothes of her, place it in a bucket at home and get down to washing on Saturday morning.

Tell her to sleep until late so that she doesn’t see how bad your laundry skills are. Also, warn her that any slight movement from the bedroom towards you would set off some explosion of water that would strike her face in full blast. 

Hijack her boring Friday

She was going to sit at home, bored and wondering why Fridays are so boring nowadays. Don’t let her mind to wander anymore. Take hostage of her wild thoughts. Take her out for dinner. Make her smile.

Hijack her moods

When she wakes up and the weather in her body reads 'gloomy and moody', then as her believable weatherman hijack her weather, take her to any of the metallic shops in town and get her some shiny metallic thing.

Hijack her Love

After all has been said and done, it doesn’t hurt taking hostage of her love by reciprocating with a bountiful of love. Not only on valentine but always.  

Thanks for reading. 

How to Win the 2017 Elections

Form Your Own Electoral Commission
An electoral body, independent or not, is the only institution that can declare you a winner. Why don't you have one? Please do. Form an IEBC-sort of commission. Call it 'My Own Electoral Commission of Kenya'. Employ like five commissioners. Establish polling stations. Employ returning officers, presiding officers. Get your own voters.
Let 'My Own Electoral Commission' declare you President, MP or Senator of the people. Live in your own dreamland. Live in fantasy.


Own an Opinion Pollster
For some reason many people believe in polls.
So make sure you own one. Then force them to conduct weekly surveys. Ensure that you only sample your supporters.
Feed Kenyans with your skewed polls until they believe that you are the most popular.

Buy Hundreds of Lorries to Ferry Supporters
These are for ferrying each and every supporter to each and every rally you organise.
Buy as many as you can.
Fuel as much as you can.
For some reason, Kenyans are so fascinated by crowds that they are so foolish they believe numbers equal votes.
*By the way, why are some of you so cheap? How can you let yourself get so demeaned by politicians? If you wish to be ferried why don't you demand to be transported by a bus? A lorry? Like seriously. Even G4S dogs are ferried in better vehicles.

Own a Media House
Ooh! Without a national platform to sell your cheap ideas you are as good as done.
Get a media house for propaganda. To discredit your opponents. To malign institutions, including IEBC. To infect people with Stockholm Syndrome.
To hold people hostage.
To declare your results.

Social Media Defence Forces (SMDF)
There is new war-front you cannot afford to ignore. It's called Social Media. This is not Hürtgen Forest of the World War 2. This is a new one.
Get your poorly-educated sycophants to be in this Force.
SMDF will defend you to the last tear drop. They will do everything you ask of them. They will abuse. They will accuse. They will misuse. The social media just for you.

Barking Dogs
Wu wu wu wu! In press conferences, social media, TV and radio shows.
They will also be sniffing for those who attack you in newspapers and other platforms.

Screenshots Army
You got to have this for sure. After sniffing dogs, someone got to take a photo or two for future reference.
They will be screen-shooting on WhatsApp, Facebook and Twitter.

Own a Judiciary
Finally, don’t forget this. Get you own judges just in case there will be some petition by some misguided fellow who wants to challenge your election.