Info’ e-njector’s Top Twenty-Ten Breathtaking Events

It has been, by any logical measure, a wonderful year, but going by the same measure, not short of wonders too.

The year started slowly, but by June its momentum hit the roof and from then it was a galore of fun-curry, misery and mystery.

January...Mariga eeeh! Mariga aaah!, our soccer hero was going places, I mean going to the wealthy English football club, Manchester City. Tongues wagged and tails twisted endlessly about the top Kenyan footballer looming fortunes until the transfer fell through. Thankfully, he still made a move to eventual Uefa club champions Inter Milan.

June...This month experienced a mixture of awe-everything, as in some were awesome, others awful, but most importantly was the awe-striking Philip Onyancha. Despite a record-breaking sh1 trillion budget by the government the same month, Onyancha’s blood-sucking hobby sneaked into the centre-stage. The country was awestruck by the man’s confession to adopting a tick-ish or mosquito-ish blood sucking behaviours. He had strangled and drank blood of 17 out of 100 Kenyans (women + children) he was targeting, when he was finally caught.

The same month, the highly-billed World Cup finally set foot in Africa and local football fans went ballistic sending women soap-addicts to early sleep or enforced chama-gossips. Kenyans supported African teams but as expected they were unceremoniously bundled out, one by one, the host, South Africa, setting a new record of being the first host to succeed in failing to go passed the WC preliminaries. The late Paul the Octopus, the cephalopod, embraced wonderfully the finals, correctly predicting all matches he was called upon to. Shakira’s rendition should have taken many by storm too.

July...the World Cup final and Spain did football justice by clinching it. But the penultimate matches were not without drama. Ghana were denied a smooth sail to the semi-finals by a wicked hand from one Suarez, a Uruguayan with a devilish hand,  and more pain was to follow, as Asamoah Gyan smashed the crossbar with the ensuing penalty. Heart break and Africa was all cries and mourning, especially after Ghana failed to score all of its penalty kicks whereas Uruguay did so without much ado.

August...Referendum people! It was, it came and went but left us with a new constitution. The biggest milestone though, apart from the often boring word ‘new constitutional order’, was the: its honourable, the word ‘promulgation’. Most Kenyans had not heard of it before (or so, they thought). And from then, they were promulgating literally everything; Ugali had to be promulgated before consumption, some cheeky man even sort to promulgate nuptials before taking.

  

September...hehehe, the Red Call. Seriously, did anyone die from the mysterious call? Anyhow, this will go down as the topmost foolery act involving millions of Kenyans.

October...Kenyans woke up one day this month to some “out of this world” news that some kid seems to have overstayed in his mum’s stomach to develop enough teeth. Nyahururu was the place of this news. Someone almost quoted the child as saying “I wanted to partake in maize roasting immediately I was separated from my umbilical cord.”

...Another breath taking event that captured world’s attention and which pundits labelled as the miraculous happening of the decade, though, living things in the next 100 years might pick as one of the miracles of the century, was the successful rescue of 33 Chile miners. Wasn’t it amazing seeing the guys resurrected, literally from the gates of Hell? You know some of them were blatant sinners and would have ended in eternal damnation-remember licensed wives and unlicensed ones were waiting for some at the entrance to rescue well-which means had they died, their souls would probably have been condemned to the place of ever burning.

November...Hail Julian Assange! This startling guy finally succeeded in calling the errant United States to order. His mighty cables struck the very able knees of the land of Obama and fell it. When it wakes up, it should be after some decades, United States ought to appoint Assange as their ambassador to the Universe or ask the UK Queen to knight him.

December...finally, after several months, Ocampo’s brew got brewed. And everyone in Kenya drank it . Next was a real drunken orgy in the country. The Ocampo Six. I seriously need the time to do something else instead of elaborating on this. You should be, by now, having the nitty-gritty of the list, if not uliza neighbour.

..Finally, this year is ending rather weirdly or kind of, unhappily. Gerishon Kirima is dead. And we expect his soap opera to die soon. Unfortunate.

Just by the way...

Happy New Year friends. Info enjector appreciates your time.

Open Your Mouth Wide This Christmas

But not as wide as Mutula Kilonzo’s yesterday in the august house. Guys, didn’t he, the minister of Justice and Constitutional Affairs, push the sidelines of his mouth to breaking point.

Such behaviours are admissible-borrowed word from the august house- only football goalkeepers or skippers when shouting sense into the heads of reluctant defenders or waning players respectively. But for an honourable member to open his mouth to an extent the epiglottis might have begged for cover in the course of the action, while explaining a meagre point, says of many concerns including emotions passed boiling point. If it was in front of Lord or Lady Justice then Mutula would have received a kick out of the courts for serious contempt.

Anyway, when enjoying yourself over this season, let Mutula’s ‘mouthing’ episode pass you if you don’t want your doctor to be urgently recalled from his holiday in Barbados. You know, he might not buy the idea to break his sunshine absorption in the island’s beaches to come and attend to bloated or constipating stomachs. And the consequences will be graver than exciting; bloated large intestines and foul air-an ominous combination for a Christmas season. Ancestors might come calling too. So take care and eat averagely.

Another thing which has been repeated in the past and now passed the umpteenth count but which needs to be said over, and over, and over again because people are entrapped in it no matter the shouting, even it’s akin to Mutula’s, about it. Money it is. Take care of your hard-earned money this coming holiday. January is just less than two weeks away and money will be required to oil the wheels of your new year’s life. If you are thinking of drying your account(s) in anticipation of an Equity loan, then Mistaken should be your middle name. Everyone is thinking of the same and even if the bank has some money to offer, it won’t be enough for the millions Toms, Dicks and Harry’s going for it. Local shylocks will be begging too and your begging will be of minimal value then.

Away from the hurly burly surrounding the nitty-gritty of the season and please ensure you enjoy this Christmas but of course with guarded expenditure if you don’t want to sing Life’s Sickening come next year when the shillings’ drought will be happening.

In line with this, Info’ e-njection would like to wish all its readers a dignified, mollified, purified and crystallised Christmas just as Christ was crystal holy. A happy New Year ,Twenty-Eleven, worth many promises and successes.

  

Just by the way....

*Thanks for taking your time off a busy schedule to read this blog. Brace yourself for more interesting stuff in 2011.

Seven Questions for His Feared Moreno-Ocampo

After the International Criminal Court prosecutor released the names of Kenyans suspected to have played a part in the dreadful 2007/08 post election violence, the country receded to a terrifying silence characterised by low toned talks and euphoric media.

Amidst the unusual atmosphere, these questions made an abrupt stopover:

ü  1.When someone wakes up one day and brand another most responsible for what happened yesterday, then such questions as these arise: Most responsible according to who? And why should they be categorised as such? You know, Responsibility is ever relative. Therefore, The Hague Six, who have already been tagged key suspects, invite such doubts as who labelled them as such-an angel from Heaven? Or another man immersed in inadequacies and with natural prejudices? Emblazoning the individuals as ‘most’, ‘key’, ‘principal’ is prejudicial and would do much to incriminate the suspects before a ‘fair’ process takes its course.

ü  2. Six individuals telling Kenyans to fight? Give us a break, please. We are over 38 million, the last time I checked. So how can a mere six incite Kenyans, who are, mark you, very intelligent- talk of brilliant inventor Evans Wadongo, one of the ten heroes identified by CNN, late Barrack Obama Senior who bore President Obama, top model Ajuma, lightning runners- these are uncountable- Rudisha, Jelimo, Wanjiru and others, prolific billionaire bankers as Equity's James Mwangi, top writers in Ngugi Wa Thiong’o, superb lawyers in DPP’s Keriako Tobiko, among million bright Kenyans. So the named six warped the minds of all these well-educated people to fight or condone fighting?

ü  3.Moreno-Ocampo’s listed demands for suspects makes one wonder why such people are being treated like animals which don’t deserve any rights. I’ll just mention two which I strongly belief are draconian and go against the beliefs entrenched in the code of natural justice. One is this -Updating the ICC on their latest personal contacts and whereabouts and second is -restrictions not to make contact with other suspects in preparation of their defences. Tell me if these orders don’t belong to the Stone Age. What happened to the freedom of association and movement to the extent that some individuals tell others to tell them where they go every day? So if Brigadier Ali visits his grandmother for a cup of mursik, should he tell some prosecutor in The Hague? What of the right to privacy? Should they not be allowed the tiniest part of their privacy?

ü  4.By picking out few individuals to face the wrath on behalf of an evidential shambolic electoral system, the prosecutor offers a blind eye on the root cause of what really happened. The general feeling is that were it not for an adulterated election body Kenyans would not have faced any violence. Why has Moreno-Ocampo chosen to ignore this fact? Doing this not only negate efficiency of the ICC in solving the root-causes of global strife but also beef beliefs of hidden agenda behind his indictments.

ü  5.There’s a lot of ambiguity in Moreno-Ocampo’s charges. First he says he’s not after a group or mass of people but individuals. Right and that’s how criminal, and indeed all cases, are dealt with but why then charge someone of a case he has not, at least, directly  committed. For instance, the named Six will face “charges of murder, rape, deportation and others” which were certainly committed by others. Or will you want to say the Six were all over Kenya wielding their machetes and using them to taste the oesophagus of the recorded 1,300? And will you still say they ripped off the clothes of all the raped women. Surely, other people did this and someone else is facing the law on behalf of them. Why? And yet he had promised not to generalise his accusations.

ü  6..And the ever unresolved concern that the ICC is only interested in third world countries, especially in Africa. Who will ever settle these doubts? And why has Moreno-Ocampo not shown any interest in putting to rest these reservations by indicting someone from the G8 or better still G20?

ü  7.Who will be responsible if in any case violence erupts as a result of the naming of the suspects? Moreno-Ocampo, Philip Waki, or Koffi Annan?

 When these questions and many others get satisfactory responses then I would let my doubts aside, otherwise they will remain etched in my doubts gallery.

Just by the way...

I have no problem with criminals facing the full force of the law. But have a problem when such alleged criminals are inhumanely treated even before they are found guilty, or put through a process which has acted unfairly in the past.

Twitter and Facebook Crazy Updates on Ocampo Six

Social networking sites went ballistic with crazy updates when the list of the suspects was made public by the ICC chief prosecutor Luis Moreno-Ocampo. 

Twitter uploading with amazing speeds was observably in the lead over others like Facebook as its updates popped up fastest.

Among the updates though were creative enough, paradoxically brought forth humour instead of the expected sadness.

One which sought to borrow Hague as an acronym had this H for Henry Kosgei A for Arap Sang G for General Hussein Ali U for Uhuru Kenyatta E for Eldoret N MP Ruto. This was from an individual named, Crazy Nairobian.

Of the interesting updates this could easily qualify as the most humorous. it “To save Ruto sms 1 to 7777, to save Uhuru sms 2, to save Ali sms 3...!dead!” posted by one Evedesouza. The idea behind the update seemed to borrow from the annual reality show, Tusker Project Fame which normally asks viewers to send a unique number to save participants from eviction.

Another which might not be sweet to many hearts but still portrayed the creativeness of twitter users is “Overheard in the office. I feel sorry for Uhuru, his father was in the Kapenguria 6 and now he's in the Hague 6” retweeted a popular journalist. This co-relates Uhuru Kenyatta’s naming and subsequent appearance at The Hague with Jomo Kenyatta’s detention at the famous Kapenguria detention camps alongside six others by the British colonialists for their association with the dreaded Mau Mau organisation.

“Spotted on...Ati Hussein Ali was appointed Post Master General in a bid to intercept the Ocampo envelope,” was another one appearing on Twitter immediately former Police Commissioner and now Post Master General was mentioned by Moreno-Ocampo. This one humorously relates the appointment of Mr Ali to the Post Office job and the Waki list of the suspects.

A famous person going by the identity Diasporadical sought to make fun of William Ruto’s recent visit to The Hague by uploading this “Ruto is about to show the rest of these people the hot spots in The Hague”

With a perceived regional balancing in the names, one update from Funnytweets posed this question “Guys from Nyanza have been marginalised by Ocampo...sisi pia nataka mutu yetu huuko Hague (we want our guy there too), yawa!”

"The Joshua Sang dude is on the #Hague6 list to represent the local Mwananchi” quipped a Mwanikih in particular reference to a Joshua Arap Sang, one of the suspects, and whose mention came as surprise considering his low profile nationally.

Most of these updates were replicated on Facebook but not interestingly as on Twitter. Most  bordered on the six named by Ocampo few hours ago. They include, Uhuru Kenyatta (Finance), Henry Kosgey ( Industrialisation),  William Ruto (Suspended Higher Education), Head of Civil Service, Francis Muthaura, Post Master General Ali Hussein Ali, and media personality, Joshua Arap Sang. 

Just By the way...

*How comes neither of the suspects made to the Trending Topics or they feared Ocampo will nail them for perpetrating people to over-tweeting about them? 

Moreno-Ocampo Needs Maradona by His side

‘Ocampo will not be able to execute his responsibilities well if he comes hunting alone for those who are alleged (by who? I don’t know but I got to use this word, lest I cool my heels in some jail soon) to have perpetrated the 2008 violence.

Diego Armando Maradona should make a perfect companion for the now very lonely bearer of international justice.

The football great, who doubles as M’Ocampo’s countryman, will not only provide vigour to the rather soft-spoken prosecutor but will also give him a sense of belonging and renewed boldness. The Hague-man seriously needs such a man.

Considering that the rather interesting defender of the defenceless could be easily intimidated by ominously-behaved Kenyan politicians, Mara’s presence will boost More’s agility and stubbornness- the two indispensable qualities of a successful prosecutor.

You know Maradona has never shied from controversy, and politicians, however evil they may be, will not scare him, after all, they don’t raise blood pressure like cocaine.

Ocampo needs such characters who after sniffing pulse-rate enhancing ‘tablets’ looks straight into the bloody eyes of Perpetrator, hang his(sorry for gender biasness, but women perpetrators qualify as men, you know they got be that manly to perpetrate) belt  from behind alongside the body, slap the truth on their faces and spit fire like a possessed individual.

Maradona will do such without much fuss. Ask England of 1986 and their hands will probably become frail owing to the heaviness of the ‘Hand of God’. If England, a once feared super power, fell miserably to the less-ingenuous left-legged Argentine, who is plural Perpetrator to him? He’ll just smoke perpetration out of them and dribbles past similar hundreds lined up from the centre of Kenya, and whose main agenda is to block his course, to spectacularly score for Ocampo at The Hague. Perfect Maracampo’s combination, you agree.

Mara’ might struggle with the English language but will form another firm collabo with More’ who will excusably repay his dribbling skills by helping Mara’ sing well the ‘Hand of God’ hymn when a Perpetrator is finally sent to the guillotine. More’ may struggle to say ‘We’ll catch all the perpetrators after our investigations and put them in an express aeroplane to The Hague’ by rather saying ‘We’ll catch al te perptrators afterr our invetigachons and put tem in an epress eropline to Te Hague’. Even with this struggle, he’ll still be of great help to Mara’ who may be asked to set records about issues raised by a keen Perpetrator about his mass virtual murder of English men and women when he ‘illegally’ scored against them in 1986. 

Just by the way...

*“You’re fired”. The most hated words for employees. It should be. Because these dreaded words will make a guy confused, popeyed, agape, mouth open, nose-hair upright, leg hair bowed and eyelids grow. The phrase finally fell on the newest Kenyan-American hero, Liza Mucheru.

Kenyaleaks, and Probably its Most Definite Horror

Now the world, mostly United States, is getting frequent and well-timed slaps on the face from one Julian Assange, it’s time someone thought of a Kenyan version.

Assange has lately been precisely firing the forehead of the world’s super power with his super dossier, Wiki-leaks and his revelations are, each day, becoming a force to reckon with and furthermore wantonly destroying US’s mighty reputation, or so it’s thought.

Julian A. and his Wiki-leaks dossiers are a perfect duo calling Super Powers to order. 

So what would a ‘Kenyaleaks’ dossier contain? And how will it be executed? 

Horrific.The first question though. On the word go Kenya has not been to any external war so the mighty document will certainly not have such revelations bordering slavery, doggie-stuff, excite-American torture and any other Bushy business. Now let’s think of what else it will contain.

Firstly, it will harbour politicians’ sexual secrets. It should not miss these, not at all.  From their Koinange escapades to their multiple concubines hidden in sprawling slums, then to their rumoured guttural intimacy inside their official prados- here, the rumours will possibly be confirmed rather than dismissed. In order to make it more interesting, politicians’ spouses will let out their anger at being left sexually dissatisfied at home. The first wife of a twelve-wives, talkative, and vocal local noisemaker, sorry, lawmaker, will probably say “the last time was five years ago.” Another dared husband to a perceived stern and successful feminist-turn-politician will cry loudly that he “doesn’t know her privately, rather, how her section meant for intimate FCA* looks.”

Political deals won’t make any news. Why, you may ask. Nothing new here, Kenyan politicians are known to willingly cut deals with everyone, from their barbers, gobblers (on their inability to pay for their services until the next salary increase), house-helps, secretaries (about their philandering secrets) and of course mistresses (reason known to all). So if the dossier carries anything about underground political deals, it will be as useless as the information in it. Another hot one would undoubtedly be on politician’s big holes in their pockets, their believable empty accounts, and ubiquitous parlio-bankruptcy.  An Mp, wearing only one-slanted-heel shoes, faded torn-collar, many-buttons-missing shirt, overstretched holed socks and begging for a pinch of chapati in the corridors of parliament will not be missing in the dossier. He will be reported and captured on camera saying: “Please nisaidie na kapinch of hilo ndazi, bwana nakufa na njaa. Salary yangu ni shillingi hamsini  na sumuni.”  Then the other one swears before giving him a two-hundredth of a ndazi and a gulp of tea.

Nepotism in government departments will not make it. Maybe its mutants like an ethnic dialect being the official language in the institutions. For example, if a Taita heads an institution, then Taita, the document will reveal, is internally coded as the language of use. Why? The dossiers will indicate that everyone from top to bottom, except the tea-guy and toilet cleaners, is a Taita. You know, toilet-cleaners, and tea-makers don’t necessarily need any communication or any memo, so they would not affect the language of use.

The rot in Kenya’s courts, information on defilement of justice by lawyers and a craving for euthanasia by doctors, teachers spelling a would have been a bright, future bleak for pupils, engineers turning into grease not for tar but to oil corruption will not be in the first edition. It will make the main story of the next edition. 

Just by the way....

*So Mike Sonko could not raise cash to bail him out from jail. Kind of unbelievable! Sh1.5million? That should be bread money for him.  But he could not get it. Poor him. He should henceforth return the name Sonko to its owners and let his poverty secretly cool down in Buru. 

*FCA (Family-curricular activity).

Kenya Politicians? No, Never Our Heroes

Thank God none of our politicians will ever stand in front of the world and be declared a hero/heroine.

Kenyans should be grateful for that. They ought to be, forever, until the day when the world’s standards drop to the level that one of them will be able to buy it. Don’t worry. They will not buy it soon.

Evans Wadongo, our NEW HERO, did Kenya a great deal of pride by deservedly appearing among the top ten CNN heroes of 2010. Though he did not win, he sent a strong message to the whole world that Africa, and indeed Africans, is capable to come up with breathtaking innovations.

Wangari Maathai tasted fame for her environment-related activism but descended into obscurity after picking politics on her way to activism retirement. It was not only a wrong choice but an unattractive pick which also made her heroism (can we use heroinesm here?) fade quickly from Kenyan’s minds.

The politician Wangari Maathai won the Nobel Peace Prize? Someone may ask. Yea, she did, and she deserves a standing ovation for pocketing sh80millon or so. But before the bits of saliva pass the esophagus in agreement, Maathai, with due respect for her beneficial activism, was awarded the prize for her, I guess solely, out-of-political-scene endeavours. You know, nobody is ever rewarded for politicking, maybe President Obama for instilling hope in hopeless souls, but never to common mortals.

You’re lying, whispers a Burmese from Aung San Suu Kyi party. Not really. She won. But after that? She has been incarcerated and guillotined by politicians like nobody’s business. This year’s Chinese Prize Winner, Liu Xiaobo, is swallowing half-fried beans in some jail after trying to oppose politicians.

Ooh, sorry for drifting away from the real thing. Don’t worry though the examples are kind of related. Back on point though. And Mike Sonko, Kamlesh Patni, former President Moi, Nicholas Biwott, Jaramogi Oginga Odinga, Kalonzo Musyoka, Raila Odinga, William Ruto, Martha Karua, Charity Ngilu plus…name them in alphabetical order and you realise they are all heroism-rejects- Fact. Unless the word Hero is redefined, heroism and Kenyan politicians will forever be enemies.

Don’t ask me why some more than angelic faces mentioned above should not qualify for heroism. Kalonzo you may argue and Raila, another may quip, yet someone may point out Ruto or Moi. Good. But do they qualify. Not they don’t, at all. Indecisiveness ought to be one of the parameters which plays a big part in choosing heroes and Kalonzo is out. You know it, Yes or No? Raila is a bad king of some community based in the western parts of Kenya. Anyone in Kisumu? Ruto has another home at The Hague. Karua qualifies 45%. Why? 2007 post-election heart-hardness takes the other percentage points.

Nobody among our politicians qualify here. Only simple Kenyans like Evans Wadongo, who mind about other Kenyans, are real heroes. 

Just by the way...

*A standing ovation and a salute for Evans Wadongo is in order and a thumps down for those bickering politicians who cannot agree on anything, shame on them.

Ranneberger/Prince William Visits Give Kenya Different Tastes

Kenya is ever on top of destinations for bored Britons and other idle foreigners. Recently, there has been an increase of these visitors, most coming with good messages but others, especially those who have stayed for a quite a long-time, often release unfriendly communiqués.


Good news first.
It’s heartening to hear news of some ‘lost’ Prince proposing to his girlfriend on Kenyan soil. It’s quite an adorable imagination when one seriously sits down and meditates on it. You know the guy saw it fit to bring his jewel to far-away land, the fast disappearing jungle where his forefathers pitched tent for ages as they messed locals with their civilisation mantras, than kneel before her in some backstreet dungeon next to Trafalgar Square in London, or some forgotten Park in Edinburgh. When you cool your mind with such a thought you will realise how important Kenya is.

Prince William did Kenya free advertisement and soon this country will be the perfect destination to propose and expect positive response-I guess it will make a holier place to do, especially when in Masai Mara where monkeys, giraffes, leopards and wilder beasts, would probably cheer and seek instant reproduction too, as the foreigner dunk the ring into the desperate finger- than an evil-infested beach in Rio de Janeiro. Mombasa has good beaches for such endeavours but when, let’s say its drug pests and peddlers are wiped out. If not then, Prince William’s people would have to make do with smoky engagements whenever they think of doing it in Mombasa.

Talking of Mombasa and drugs and another long-time visitor who was there recently seems to have lost track on his right mission in this country. The ever-talking, multiple-king of Kalenjin, Luhya, Giriama, and others, the foe to all politicians, the Attorney General, and every other top government politician salivating for United States, gave orders (don’t know from above or wherever) to some fledgling Kenyan commissions. Michael Ranneberger. It’s him. Don’t ask who else it could be because there is none.

The Kenyan politicians’ enemy, “called on” or rather ordered: “the Interim Independent Electoral Commission and the yet to be formed Independent Boundaries and Electoral Commission to make it a requirement that all candidates seeking elective positions publicly disclose the source of their campaign money”- The East African.

Yeap, the American was issuing orders to Kenyans in Kenya, not on behalf of President Kibaki- I wonder if he knows that Kenya is a sovereign state with its own elected president because he handles his ego like Obama’s emissary in Illinois or Nevada- but on behalf of himself. The outspoken man declared he was denying visas some drug peddlers who had reaped more than enough from the trade.

The outspoken man, who once rattled former Foreign Affairs minister, Moses Wetangula, is more forgetful about his or perceived role than remembering his rightful business. The mundu, Wetangula, applying Wanga’s wisdom, threatened to declare him persona-non-grata (an unwanted person). Though the mundu khumundu warning did not bring forth many fruits, the threatened American retreated a bit. However, he’s now back breathing fire and brimstone. Of course he should, now panya ameondoka (the cat is away).

Even with this freedom, Ranneberger is overdoing it. Why and how can a visiting envoy give orders to Kenyans? It’s not possible, at all. Not when his Kenyan counterpart in Washington DC is forcefully lame when it comes to such or related activities. So when Mr. MR is all over Kenya issuing decrees, he should be begged to cool down and requested to ask his brothers to come and get engaged on Kenyan soil like Prince William.

Just by the way...

*Done with training now. Back to job. By the way you can follow me on twitter: info_enjector is the name.

William Ruto Redefines Human Rights Commission

Kenya National Commission on Human Rights is now Kenya International Collusion of Backbiters, Rumourmongers, Busybodies and cousins, according to Ruto (William) 101. 

The former powerful minister in the government which hired the ‘horde of colluders’, redefined the Commission, formerly assigned the noble duty of checking rights of human beings only, “to truly reflect who the commissioners steering it are”. This was in line with the latest mission of the Higher Education ministry, he drove few weeks ago before he received the boot, to give new impetus to such toothless organisations.

However before Ruto’s dust settled there was a call to ‘put records straight’. In a quick rejoinder the Chair of the faint, and often vague Commission, confirmed the new position it was officially acquiring though past in-fights within it had, albeit translucently, proposed so. 

At a press conference billed one of its own but finally milled by top employees of the commission  bearing name tags with the above mentioned nouns, Florence Jaoko thanked Ruto for revealing so and asked him to continue doing the good job. That’s what Ms Jaoko, the female warrior who recently weathered a huge storm seeking to tsunami her out of office, was telling Kenyans when she resorted to take Ruto’s claims head on.  She just confirmed what Ruto was unearthing about the organ of government in relation to their inability to make themselves believable.

When a politician throws a spear at you, the second thing to do after you have dived away to escape the poisonous weapon is to check, evaluate, prepare and then respond. You don’t throw back the spear without taking time to examine the venom it carries. The woman, Jaoko, did not apply these basic rules, not for this scenario. Instead she led a battalion of head-shakers, nod-in-agreement-masters to ‘fight’ Ruto few hours, (or were they countable minutes), after the latter breathed out balls of fires burning at thousands of Celsius targeted at them.

Ruto jolted by a heroic reception  had, when he arrived from The Hague, downloaded in quick succession venomous revelations vilifying KNCHR and one of its outspoken commissioners. He stated that there was not a vestige of truth in a report prepared by the commission of colluders about him and others suspected to be behind the 2007 post-election chasing, hacking, burning, and blood draining ignobility. He was not playing poker but making something relevant, though many saw it as ultimate efforts by a panicky villain trying to clutch the only remaining upright grass to rescue him, or better still crumble with him, as he freely skates down to eulogy.

    

Jaoko and her brothers responded like the ancient foolish woman, who after her colleagues leaves her in the jungle she loudly shouts for help without first thinking of who, apart from them, could hear her cries. Guess who arrives first. The Ogre; the man-enemy of the jungle. He takes her as his life-long wife. That’s what Jaoko has done too. Instead of first surveying the forest infested by the Kenyan politicians created idiosyncratically but act unanimously, she loudly fights back, a move that will (it has already) endear her and the commission to more enemies. Now two provinces, Rift Valley and Central, are baying for her blood.

 The two ogres are defending their territories and ‘kings’ with gusto likely to scare Jaoko and lieutenants to death.

The bespectacled lady , many would consider soft-spoken and shy, but as her former Vice, Hassan Omar Hassan would attest she hides her real stubborn and Nyeri-woman attitude behind her spectacles , said there was not a speck of sense in Ruto’s assertions. She did not mince her words in saying only Jacob ‘Ghost’ Mulee, the Harambee Stars coach,  possessed good coaching skills and that Ghost was never employed by them.

In this spirited episode of Kenyans Going to the Hague Movie, scenes are changing every now and then. Who will win this latest contest? Is it the rotund, fearless King of Rift Valley or the toothless, less barking, and shadowy commission? Luis Moreno-Ocampo certainly should find it difficult to declare the winner here.

Just by the way...

*If Omar Hassan is not guilty why doesn’t he take legal action against William Ruto. The latter’s claims are defamatory enough to guarantee him a strong case and financial compensation more than the current cost of a 5,000-acre plot of land in Nairobi.  Unless he knows something not in public domain, he should not continue engaging in media fights with the former minister.

*And who the heck are these coached witnesses? By the way, I have damaging information about my close buddy and colleague Aggrey Mutambo concerning his one or two secrets. Omar Hassan, how much I’m I entitled monthly and where will I stay to keep my mind sober, cool-headed and ready to destroy him when you need me and my dossier?

*Thanks again for finding time to read this blog.  

President Barrack Obama Walking On a Tight Rope

And only God knows if he will be able to safely wade to the other side. Many predict he will sink into the deep valley before he makes the tenth stride-on this you can hear some republicans engage in guarded celebrations. Indeed others have already started preparing a casket for the president and other now ‘hated’ democrats.

Obama came into office riding on an exaggerated but promising message that he as the worldly ‘Messiah’ that Americans had been waiting for long would deliver them from all the evils bedeviling them. It has not happened. And most Americans have bitterly realised that their talisman was human after all.

One problem with a mortal being trying to emulate Jesus Christ is the inability to deliver. However eloquent, good-looking, hopeful, and suave a man is, he won’t be able to rid fellow beings of uncountable sins and, often unachievable desires. The best he can do is serve those under him with well spiced disillusionment and cap it with dissatisfaction as a dessert, and cynicism as a drink.  After the three-piece meal, he takes them for a walk on the sides of a deep dark valley that’s home to all sorts of despair and hatred.

That’s what has happened to His Excellency, just giving him a taste of it otherwise it’s sinful in this country to worship presidents, Barrack Obama. He is in a very difficult situation. None, not even his Nobel Prize sympathizers, can help. In less than two years, his YES WE CAN slogan which was laced with hope, excitement and unparallel dreams has camouflaged into a resounding NO WE DON’T WANT YOU chorus coated with hatred, disgust and extreme disbelief on the black man’s policies.

Obama has tried. He has delivered some frameworks Americans will remember him for. The Health Care law, he assented to with joyous aura few months after he took office among others, though have been progressive, have endeared him to antagonists who see him as being a socialist targeting the slave-minded elites and letting go the over-exploited poor.

The Republicans, their dislike for Obama could be felt in their sweaty noses, and hoarse voices, just like ‘You Lie’ outburst by Congressman Joe Wilson last September murmuring loudly all over, are capitalising on every ‘slip’ and unfulfilled promises by Obama and his democrats lieutenants.

These members, from the Grand Old Party (GOP), best described since Obama took office early 2009 as busybodies out to malign every other move initiated by the man almost qualified as the long-awaited Anti-Christ by some Christians, have been after the very neck of the head of state. They have succeeded to a greater extent and Obama is facing a litany of inadequacies pointed out by the very vibrant Tea Party movement steered by Sarah Palin.

Democrats, on the other hand, have not had the guts to speak out. The strong cornerstones of the ordinarily assumed blue party have not been any helpful. From the powerful State Secretary Hillary Clinton, Senator John Kerry, and others who would have had an easily believable say in the US, have relegated themselves to the very silent of the caves and let Obama fight it out alone. They have been annoyingly aloof, an indication that they may  have been afraid of losing ground if they came out fully in support of Obama.

The mid-term elections are a huge challenge to the Obama administration. And as things appear he could be headed out of office in two years before he could fully enjoy the sweetness of the White House, master the Capitol Hill or even cram the secret code to the nuclear armoury.

It’s now almost coming to an abrupt sunset for President Obama.

Just by the way…

*Are President Obama’s woes related to his skin colour? And if so can now the tag World’s ‘Super Power’ tag after the United States be chopped off and fixed on China? I guess it’s only fair because communism is way better than racism. Letting the Americans, who have failed to tame their racist egos, pride further in this tag is gross and repugnant. It’s better if China had it. Don’t you think so?

Lumumba’s Men Screwing Up Anti-Corruption Campaigns

Hail the man who knows not grammatical philandering, talks not with a loose tongue, sticks to the Queen’s pronunciation pattern with gusto just like his passion for Karate. Patrick Lumumba is the man.

He heads the rejuvenated Kenya Anti-Corruption Commission and putting into positive consideration what the commission has been doing of late, then PLO as he’s popularly known, deserves a swift hat off salute.

However before the hat leaves the head, his lieutenants are proving to be a big letdown in this mission. They are conducting themselves in a manner likely to portend a serious stumbling block towards success of the campaigns.  They are being overzealous and naive in the handling of this noble course.

Corruption is a silent vile which attacks both during the day and ups the tempo when the sun sets. It camouflages into the system without necessarily raising eye brows but when it eats into it, the system rots down amazingly. It has eaten into many government institutions and fell some within the shortest period.

Such a crime, engraved deep in our society, ingrained knowingly or unknowingly in every soul, enjoyed by the poor with the same voracity as a local tycoon cannot be fought the way Lumumba’s men seem to do. Any war has, is and will never be beamed live on television. Doing that not only give ‘enemies’ a chance to arm themselves but better still escape when KACC wrath is placed upon them.

The public likes to see such, the media is terribly excited to do such exclusives but the courts might not be amused at all by such.

The media are often known to exaggerate. Or play blackmail on behalf of someone else. And when such ego-slashing and respect-less endeavours arise they might ferociously get involved with a hidden intention to deliver a judgment favourable to their ‘guiders’ or ‘senders’.

So when Lumumba invites the press to pluck out suspected corrupt individuals from their dungeons, he not only pass a guilty verdict on the individuals but more so tells the public that the arrested Kenyans deserve such demeaning treatment.

The media is a platform for everyone to play. It’s not like the courts where there are several gates one had to pass through before a verdict is given. While the media is basically about (it’s not necessarily conventional) ‘copying’ and ‘pasting’ events as they happened-often include soft final judgment on them- the courts on the other hand prefer detailed examination of events, evidences and all other factors which might play into it directly or indirectly. Such analytical differences are what result in libel or slander suits in courts which most complainants win at miserable high rates for the media.

That aside and when such corruption cases, already blown out of proportion by the media, are presented in court, a defendant can refuse to take a plea claiming that the expected judgment  could be affected in one way or another by what’s already propagated by the press.

That’s how bad it could be and corrupt individuals could easily get their freedom without having to face the charges.  

Bribery, an understudy of corruption is heavily seated within our culture and practised without bother. It’s common too.

To fight this vile, however wafer-thin it is, present in the very last kiosk in the village and snakes its way to the highest office, demands insurmountable assertiveness, unparallel investigations and for goodness sake less of the media cameras. It would help, I believe.

Just by the way...

*Some of my readers (I appreciate you all) appeared to have misunderstood my previous blog, “Raila Lost Kalenjin Votes Looong Time Ago”, as expressions of tribal sentiments meant to dissociate rather than bring together Kenyans. I had no intention of doing this and I apologise if it appeared so. The blog was a factual capture of what’s happening down there, in the minutest of the villages to the most informed of the Kalenjins.

*“The minister does not procure, the minster does not sign cheques, the minister does not chair committees, the minister does not deal with budgets,” Foreign Affairs minister Moses Wetangula said in parliament in connection with the scandal in his ministry. Excuse us minister what does he do then? Does he only slouch in his desk, swallow imondo and ingokho when things are going astray like you seem to suggest? Good you realised you were taking us for a serious ride.

On a serious note:

For the past nine months I met and have lived with new people who have been exciting, wonderful, super-lively, handsome, gorgeous, beautiful, and amazing. It will be an unforgivable sin not to mention their names: Peter, Alawi, Saudah, Angira, Saumu, Qorro, Imaka, Mutambo, Felista, Claud, Abimanyi, Flavia, Lilian, Florence N, Dann, Wesonga N, Rogers, and Sylvester Ernest. Guys, I have loved staying with you. Guys, may you enjoy the journalism you have been introduced to.

Who Cares if You Appoint a ‘Kin’ to a Top Position?

Yes, that’s the question and most Kenyans would probably answer in the negative, as in: we don’t?

Even if there’s a blatant mess of procedures still none cares.

When they do this, they are only saying of a forced ‘satisfaction’ which expresses dissatisfaction on the outer. Paradoxical. But it’s very true. And when government appointments are haphazardly done nobody cares apart from those oozing tribal or personal sentiments in the name of fighting some injustice on nobody in particular but their cronies.

Tribalism is/will/ forever be part and parcel of Kenya and its inhabitants. It’s an ingrained stain that will take unity greater than the Tower of Babel’s to expunge it and if it’s successful it will be only for a while before it comes back accompanied by seven more devils.

Tribal appointments are not new in Kenya. In fact all government employees would seldom pass tribal tests.  It is professional unprofessionalism at its peak. The latest known to all but none.

Talking of Henry Kosgey’s appointment and one Joseph Mwaura, the CEO is not doing any good to his company, KPMG, by calling many press conferences to cry out foul play over the appointment of Kenya Bureau and Statistics boss. By the way, Mwaura’s arguments are not valid because his company was locked out of the process before it finalised recruitment. So the more he muddle in this politically-motivated affair he not only expresses inert vested interests but also a bruised ego from failing to fulfil the interests.

Some may argue that Kosgey’s pick of Joseph Koskey (this G and K difference in the gentlemen’s names is nowhere in Kalenjin so stop emphasising it so much) cannot pass through a three-inch-holed filter let alone the normal one.  Right and agreed. But even if it doesn’t’ the appointment will remain with many other types of chaff: Amos Kimunya’s 'brotherly' appointments of Kenya Ports Authority director (Gichiri Ndua) and confirmation of Kenya Airports Authority chief executive (Stephen Gichuki) will be winking at Kosgey’s tribal appointee.

Anyang’ Nyongo’s ethnic appointee (Dr. Olang'o Onudi) to head Kenya Medical Training College was unsuccessfully given a hard knock by parliament but he managed to force him in. His too would hardly pass the filter. And many others. Remember Hellen Sambili’s unhidden tribal preferences for the post of Sports Stadia Management Board.

Nothing different at Raila Odinga’s office too. Not when his family members, family-in-laws, cousins both near and distant, Bondians and its neighbours from all constituencies occupy most slots directly and indirectly related to his office.

Then to President Kibaki’s security appointments and sincerely speaking, with dishonesty the middle name of 99.999% of Kenyans, Kibaki is very right to appoint a kin (s) (read a native of  Central province, preferably a GEMA diehard) to handle security matters . Security is not mitumba business, neither is it equal to fish-mongering nor njugu-selling. Utmost care is required here. Otherwise appointing someone whose professionalism could be adulterated the same day of appointment is equal to committing oneself to a hangman noose.

Imagine appointing a tribal ‘brother’ to a rival you trounced in the last presidential election as your Chief of General Staff. You will probably be arrested and jailed for life and your rival made the president that night. You will not last a day at State House. So security appointments should never be equalled with political appointments at all. It will be buffoonery of the rankest order if it’s happens. They should be done above board. So those criticising Kibaki’s move to get Kenyans from his tribe to head all security departments have missed a football size point.

Just by the way...

*I don’t in anyway support appointments influenced (or seemingly) by tribal thoughts. It’s bitter discrimination to deny a qualified candidate a job just because s/he doesn’t come from your tribe. And by the way, why is Luis Moreno-Ocampo not paying attention to such tribal appointments? I guess they will make juicy cases at the ICC than even looking for LRA’s Joseph Kony who’s nowhere. They amount to crimes against humanity. Over to you Mr Moreno-Ocampo.

Rattling Uganda before a Real Whipping Tomorrow

It’s a battle of East African supremacy. It’s a war involving two football titans in the region. Thank God it’s not a fight over a minute island (Migingo (for Kenyans) or loosely-tongued Mijinjo (Michincho) for Museveni’s lieutenants and worshippers), half submerged in the waters of Lake Victoria. Otherwise had it been the latter, Raphael Wanjala would have gotten a swift tender to supply Kibera hooligans with Rungus and Somali swords before 4pm tomorrow.

Speaking of hooliganism and Ugandan president knows not how to safely play this provocative negative virtue within humanity. Remember when dispute over michincho came up and the Uganda’s life-president went on a mouthful, diarrheal wordy rampage on ‘Jaluos’ (Kenyan media got it wrong, it should have been Chalous). You know, His Excellency whose middle name Kaguta, could put an ignorant Ugandan in custody if he uses it more than the other two (Yoweri Museveni), put out pre-meditated tirades directed on jilted Lou Kenyans who were crying over fishy Ugandans taking over Migingo.

The fight was primarily about fish but Mr Museveni thought otherwise and decided to meddle in it but finally gave in but not without controversy. He ran away with water and left fish just the way he did in Northern Uganda where he has instilled pseudo-peace but failed to capture LRA’s Joseph Kony.

Uganda, the country which would have made a perfect upright rectangle had its borders with Kenya (to the East) and Democratic Republic of Congo (to the west) been straight and Lake Victoria wholly belonged to Tanzania, is a fairly beautiful country with its firsts. Language is spoken in eloquence and demeanour which seemingly says of an enforced conduit by the Queen herself to have it accurately spoken. However, pronunciation of some words has dented and brought shameful paleness to this queen’s endeavour. First, Ugandans don’t know how to correctly pronounce words with G, C, K, and the likes, sounds. Instead of pronouncing these sounds like a Cambridge University graduate they replace them with CH. For example, gearing, comes out as chearing, a non-existent English word, tarchet for target, dochument for document, Chigali for Kigali. My good name will sound terrible; Kiplanchat instead of Kiplang’at. Huh!

Interesting. However, they are very choosy when it comes to distortion of words’ sounds. They have never mispronounced Uganda, the country’s name, as Uchanda, or Chaguta for Kaguta (the President’s middle name), neither Luchanda for Luganda (their favourite native language). Funny but they do respect rebels too. Otherwise Kony’s name would have locally been Chony.

I guess they would not dare pronounce choals for goals now they  badly need them  when Uganda national football team face Harambee Stars tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow and Stars fans ought to go to Nyayo in large numbers so they can shout go! go! go!  well and louder otherwise cho! cho! cho! from the opponent’s end might outdo them.

You got to love these guys who once lived under a monarchic regime: Buganda Kingdom, before they saw the light. A worthy exposure indeed but they now have to contain a marauding president who wants to be head of the state till death parts him with the seat. Happily, the light has finally brought something tangible from the ongoing Commonwealth Games. One Moses Kipsiro eclipsed favourite Kenyans to a chold (Gold) in the 5, 000 metres race. The often mistaken naturalised Kenyan is an instant Hero in Champala (Kampala). Cho! Cho! Cho! Chipsiro!

Just by the way...

*To put records straight, I’m not in any way expressing xenophobic ideas but interesting facts, so please understand it as so. I love Ugandans and if circumstances permit I would not mind handing in betrothal for a Uchandan chirl (girl in Kenya).

*Who will go home with its tail hiding between the hind legs? I guess it’s gonna be...guess?