Info’ e-njector’s Top Twenty-Ten Breathtaking Events

It has been, by any logical measure, a wonderful year, but going by the same measure, not short of wonders too.

The year started slowly, but by June its momentum hit the roof and from then it was a galore of fun-curry, misery and mystery.

January...Mariga eeeh! Mariga aaah!, our soccer hero was going places, I mean going to the wealthy English football club, Manchester City. Tongues wagged and tails twisted endlessly about the top Kenyan footballer looming fortunes until the transfer fell through. Thankfully, he still made a move to eventual Uefa club champions Inter Milan.

June...This month experienced a mixture of awe-everything, as in some were awesome, others awful, but most importantly was the awe-striking Philip Onyancha. Despite a record-breaking sh1 trillion budget by the government the same month, Onyancha’s blood-sucking hobby sneaked into the centre-stage. The country was awestruck by the man’s confession to adopting a tick-ish or mosquito-ish blood sucking behaviours. He had strangled and drank blood of 17 out of 100 Kenyans (women + children) he was targeting, when he was finally caught.

The same month, the highly-billed World Cup finally set foot in Africa and local football fans went ballistic sending women soap-addicts to early sleep or enforced chama-gossips. Kenyans supported African teams but as expected they were unceremoniously bundled out, one by one, the host, South Africa, setting a new record of being the first host to succeed in failing to go passed the WC preliminaries. The late Paul the Octopus, the cephalopod, embraced wonderfully the finals, correctly predicting all matches he was called upon to. Shakira’s rendition should have taken many by storm too.

July...the World Cup final and Spain did football justice by clinching it. But the penultimate matches were not without drama. Ghana were denied a smooth sail to the semi-finals by a wicked hand from one Suarez, a Uruguayan with a devilish hand,  and more pain was to follow, as Asamoah Gyan smashed the crossbar with the ensuing penalty. Heart break and Africa was all cries and mourning, especially after Ghana failed to score all of its penalty kicks whereas Uruguay did so without much ado.

August...Referendum people! It was, it came and went but left us with a new constitution. The biggest milestone though, apart from the often boring word ‘new constitutional order’, was the: its honourable, the word ‘promulgation’. Most Kenyans had not heard of it before (or so, they thought). And from then, they were promulgating literally everything; Ugali had to be promulgated before consumption, some cheeky man even sort to promulgate nuptials before taking.

  

September...hehehe, the Red Call. Seriously, did anyone die from the mysterious call? Anyhow, this will go down as the topmost foolery act involving millions of Kenyans.

October...Kenyans woke up one day this month to some “out of this world” news that some kid seems to have overstayed in his mum’s stomach to develop enough teeth. Nyahururu was the place of this news. Someone almost quoted the child as saying “I wanted to partake in maize roasting immediately I was separated from my umbilical cord.”

...Another breath taking event that captured world’s attention and which pundits labelled as the miraculous happening of the decade, though, living things in the next 100 years might pick as one of the miracles of the century, was the successful rescue of 33 Chile miners. Wasn’t it amazing seeing the guys resurrected, literally from the gates of Hell? You know some of them were blatant sinners and would have ended in eternal damnation-remember licensed wives and unlicensed ones were waiting for some at the entrance to rescue well-which means had they died, their souls would probably have been condemned to the place of ever burning.

November...Hail Julian Assange! This startling guy finally succeeded in calling the errant United States to order. His mighty cables struck the very able knees of the land of Obama and fell it. When it wakes up, it should be after some decades, United States ought to appoint Assange as their ambassador to the Universe or ask the UK Queen to knight him.

December...finally, after several months, Ocampo’s brew got brewed. And everyone in Kenya drank it . Next was a real drunken orgy in the country. The Ocampo Six. I seriously need the time to do something else instead of elaborating on this. You should be, by now, having the nitty-gritty of the list, if not uliza neighbour.

..Finally, this year is ending rather weirdly or kind of, unhappily. Gerishon Kirima is dead. And we expect his soap opera to die soon. Unfortunate.

Just by the way...

Happy New Year friends. Info enjector appreciates your time.

Open Your Mouth Wide This Christmas

But not as wide as Mutula Kilonzo’s yesterday in the august house. Guys, didn’t he, the minister of Justice and Constitutional Affairs, push the sidelines of his mouth to breaking point.

Such behaviours are admissible-borrowed word from the august house- only football goalkeepers or skippers when shouting sense into the heads of reluctant defenders or waning players respectively. But for an honourable member to open his mouth to an extent the epiglottis might have begged for cover in the course of the action, while explaining a meagre point, says of many concerns including emotions passed boiling point. If it was in front of Lord or Lady Justice then Mutula would have received a kick out of the courts for serious contempt.

Anyway, when enjoying yourself over this season, let Mutula’s ‘mouthing’ episode pass you if you don’t want your doctor to be urgently recalled from his holiday in Barbados. You know, he might not buy the idea to break his sunshine absorption in the island’s beaches to come and attend to bloated or constipating stomachs. And the consequences will be graver than exciting; bloated large intestines and foul air-an ominous combination for a Christmas season. Ancestors might come calling too. So take care and eat averagely.

Another thing which has been repeated in the past and now passed the umpteenth count but which needs to be said over, and over, and over again because people are entrapped in it no matter the shouting, even it’s akin to Mutula’s, about it. Money it is. Take care of your hard-earned money this coming holiday. January is just less than two weeks away and money will be required to oil the wheels of your new year’s life. If you are thinking of drying your account(s) in anticipation of an Equity loan, then Mistaken should be your middle name. Everyone is thinking of the same and even if the bank has some money to offer, it won’t be enough for the millions Toms, Dicks and Harry’s going for it. Local shylocks will be begging too and your begging will be of minimal value then.

Away from the hurly burly surrounding the nitty-gritty of the season and please ensure you enjoy this Christmas but of course with guarded expenditure if you don’t want to sing Life’s Sickening come next year when the shillings’ drought will be happening.

In line with this, Info’ e-njection would like to wish all its readers a dignified, mollified, purified and crystallised Christmas just as Christ was crystal holy. A happy New Year ,Twenty-Eleven, worth many promises and successes.

  

Just by the way....

*Thanks for taking your time off a busy schedule to read this blog. Brace yourself for more interesting stuff in 2011.

Seven Questions for His Feared Moreno-Ocampo

After the International Criminal Court prosecutor released the names of Kenyans suspected to have played a part in the dreadful 2007/08 post election violence, the country receded to a terrifying silence characterised by low toned talks and euphoric media.

Amidst the unusual atmosphere, these questions made an abrupt stopover:

ü  1.When someone wakes up one day and brand another most responsible for what happened yesterday, then such questions as these arise: Most responsible according to who? And why should they be categorised as such? You know, Responsibility is ever relative. Therefore, The Hague Six, who have already been tagged key suspects, invite such doubts as who labelled them as such-an angel from Heaven? Or another man immersed in inadequacies and with natural prejudices? Emblazoning the individuals as ‘most’, ‘key’, ‘principal’ is prejudicial and would do much to incriminate the suspects before a ‘fair’ process takes its course.

ü  2. Six individuals telling Kenyans to fight? Give us a break, please. We are over 38 million, the last time I checked. So how can a mere six incite Kenyans, who are, mark you, very intelligent- talk of brilliant inventor Evans Wadongo, one of the ten heroes identified by CNN, late Barrack Obama Senior who bore President Obama, top model Ajuma, lightning runners- these are uncountable- Rudisha, Jelimo, Wanjiru and others, prolific billionaire bankers as Equity's James Mwangi, top writers in Ngugi Wa Thiong’o, superb lawyers in DPP’s Keriako Tobiko, among million bright Kenyans. So the named six warped the minds of all these well-educated people to fight or condone fighting?

ü  3.Moreno-Ocampo’s listed demands for suspects makes one wonder why such people are being treated like animals which don’t deserve any rights. I’ll just mention two which I strongly belief are draconian and go against the beliefs entrenched in the code of natural justice. One is this -Updating the ICC on their latest personal contacts and whereabouts and second is -restrictions not to make contact with other suspects in preparation of their defences. Tell me if these orders don’t belong to the Stone Age. What happened to the freedom of association and movement to the extent that some individuals tell others to tell them where they go every day? So if Brigadier Ali visits his grandmother for a cup of mursik, should he tell some prosecutor in The Hague? What of the right to privacy? Should they not be allowed the tiniest part of their privacy?

ü  4.By picking out few individuals to face the wrath on behalf of an evidential shambolic electoral system, the prosecutor offers a blind eye on the root cause of what really happened. The general feeling is that were it not for an adulterated election body Kenyans would not have faced any violence. Why has Moreno-Ocampo chosen to ignore this fact? Doing this not only negate efficiency of the ICC in solving the root-causes of global strife but also beef beliefs of hidden agenda behind his indictments.

ü  5.There’s a lot of ambiguity in Moreno-Ocampo’s charges. First he says he’s not after a group or mass of people but individuals. Right and that’s how criminal, and indeed all cases, are dealt with but why then charge someone of a case he has not, at least, directly  committed. For instance, the named Six will face “charges of murder, rape, deportation and others” which were certainly committed by others. Or will you want to say the Six were all over Kenya wielding their machetes and using them to taste the oesophagus of the recorded 1,300? And will you still say they ripped off the clothes of all the raped women. Surely, other people did this and someone else is facing the law on behalf of them. Why? And yet he had promised not to generalise his accusations.

ü  6..And the ever unresolved concern that the ICC is only interested in third world countries, especially in Africa. Who will ever settle these doubts? And why has Moreno-Ocampo not shown any interest in putting to rest these reservations by indicting someone from the G8 or better still G20?

ü  7.Who will be responsible if in any case violence erupts as a result of the naming of the suspects? Moreno-Ocampo, Philip Waki, or Koffi Annan?

 When these questions and many others get satisfactory responses then I would let my doubts aside, otherwise they will remain etched in my doubts gallery.

Just by the way...

I have no problem with criminals facing the full force of the law. But have a problem when such alleged criminals are inhumanely treated even before they are found guilty, or put through a process which has acted unfairly in the past.

Twitter and Facebook Crazy Updates on Ocampo Six

Social networking sites went ballistic with crazy updates when the list of the suspects was made public by the ICC chief prosecutor Luis Moreno-Ocampo. 

Twitter uploading with amazing speeds was observably in the lead over others like Facebook as its updates popped up fastest.

Among the updates though were creative enough, paradoxically brought forth humour instead of the expected sadness.

One which sought to borrow Hague as an acronym had this H for Henry Kosgei A for Arap Sang G for General Hussein Ali U for Uhuru Kenyatta E for Eldoret N MP Ruto. This was from an individual named, Crazy Nairobian.

Of the interesting updates this could easily qualify as the most humorous. it “To save Ruto sms 1 to 7777, to save Uhuru sms 2, to save Ali sms 3...!dead!” posted by one Evedesouza. The idea behind the update seemed to borrow from the annual reality show, Tusker Project Fame which normally asks viewers to send a unique number to save participants from eviction.

Another which might not be sweet to many hearts but still portrayed the creativeness of twitter users is “Overheard in the office. I feel sorry for Uhuru, his father was in the Kapenguria 6 and now he's in the Hague 6” retweeted a popular journalist. This co-relates Uhuru Kenyatta’s naming and subsequent appearance at The Hague with Jomo Kenyatta’s detention at the famous Kapenguria detention camps alongside six others by the British colonialists for their association with the dreaded Mau Mau organisation.

“Spotted on...Ati Hussein Ali was appointed Post Master General in a bid to intercept the Ocampo envelope,” was another one appearing on Twitter immediately former Police Commissioner and now Post Master General was mentioned by Moreno-Ocampo. This one humorously relates the appointment of Mr Ali to the Post Office job and the Waki list of the suspects.

A famous person going by the identity Diasporadical sought to make fun of William Ruto’s recent visit to The Hague by uploading this “Ruto is about to show the rest of these people the hot spots in The Hague”

With a perceived regional balancing in the names, one update from Funnytweets posed this question “Guys from Nyanza have been marginalised by Ocampo...sisi pia nataka mutu yetu huuko Hague (we want our guy there too), yawa!”

"The Joshua Sang dude is on the #Hague6 list to represent the local Mwananchi” quipped a Mwanikih in particular reference to a Joshua Arap Sang, one of the suspects, and whose mention came as surprise considering his low profile nationally.

Most of these updates were replicated on Facebook but not interestingly as on Twitter. Most  bordered on the six named by Ocampo few hours ago. They include, Uhuru Kenyatta (Finance), Henry Kosgey ( Industrialisation),  William Ruto (Suspended Higher Education), Head of Civil Service, Francis Muthaura, Post Master General Ali Hussein Ali, and media personality, Joshua Arap Sang. 

Just By the way...

*How comes neither of the suspects made to the Trending Topics or they feared Ocampo will nail them for perpetrating people to over-tweeting about them? 

Moreno-Ocampo Needs Maradona by His side

‘Ocampo will not be able to execute his responsibilities well if he comes hunting alone for those who are alleged (by who? I don’t know but I got to use this word, lest I cool my heels in some jail soon) to have perpetrated the 2008 violence.

Diego Armando Maradona should make a perfect companion for the now very lonely bearer of international justice.

The football great, who doubles as M’Ocampo’s countryman, will not only provide vigour to the rather soft-spoken prosecutor but will also give him a sense of belonging and renewed boldness. The Hague-man seriously needs such a man.

Considering that the rather interesting defender of the defenceless could be easily intimidated by ominously-behaved Kenyan politicians, Mara’s presence will boost More’s agility and stubbornness- the two indispensable qualities of a successful prosecutor.

You know Maradona has never shied from controversy, and politicians, however evil they may be, will not scare him, after all, they don’t raise blood pressure like cocaine.

Ocampo needs such characters who after sniffing pulse-rate enhancing ‘tablets’ looks straight into the bloody eyes of Perpetrator, hang his(sorry for gender biasness, but women perpetrators qualify as men, you know they got be that manly to perpetrate) belt  from behind alongside the body, slap the truth on their faces and spit fire like a possessed individual.

Maradona will do such without much fuss. Ask England of 1986 and their hands will probably become frail owing to the heaviness of the ‘Hand of God’. If England, a once feared super power, fell miserably to the less-ingenuous left-legged Argentine, who is plural Perpetrator to him? He’ll just smoke perpetration out of them and dribbles past similar hundreds lined up from the centre of Kenya, and whose main agenda is to block his course, to spectacularly score for Ocampo at The Hague. Perfect Maracampo’s combination, you agree.

Mara’ might struggle with the English language but will form another firm collabo with More’ who will excusably repay his dribbling skills by helping Mara’ sing well the ‘Hand of God’ hymn when a Perpetrator is finally sent to the guillotine. More’ may struggle to say ‘We’ll catch all the perpetrators after our investigations and put them in an express aeroplane to The Hague’ by rather saying ‘We’ll catch al te perptrators afterr our invetigachons and put tem in an epress eropline to Te Hague’. Even with this struggle, he’ll still be of great help to Mara’ who may be asked to set records about issues raised by a keen Perpetrator about his mass virtual murder of English men and women when he ‘illegally’ scored against them in 1986. 

Just by the way...

*“You’re fired”. The most hated words for employees. It should be. Because these dreaded words will make a guy confused, popeyed, agape, mouth open, nose-hair upright, leg hair bowed and eyelids grow. The phrase finally fell on the newest Kenyan-American hero, Liza Mucheru.